Letter from a Facebook Reader


Hi there,

This letter will take you completely by surprise, but I saw your profile on Facebook and liked what I read. Actually, I have two reasons for writing to you. First, you’re not too smart, but that’s okay. (It’s the smart ones I have trouble with), and you seem to be a level-headed sort of fellow. Besides, on your Facebook page you wrote that you believe I’m kind of a Mel Brooks only with a sadistic streak. Okay, I kind of like the Mel Brooks part but I got to tell you, that got me humming Springtime for Hitler for eight solid weeks night and day. I almost caused a forty-day flood in your neighborhood because of that, but after consideration, I realized you had what you thought was good reason for your assessment, except that I’m not sadistic. Not in the least.  Mankind wholly fabricated that sadistic stuff. Like playing a cruel joke on Abraham. I wouldn’t do that. That’s not funny. Not at all. I think maybe, because of spelling complexities, man got holy mixed up with wholly.

I’m just saying. I’m trying to be generous here.

Second, there has been so much misunderstanding about me and the world in general, and while it’s bad to be constantly misquoted, it really bugs me to have completely fictitious bunkum attributed to me, so while I’m in the neighborhood, I decided it was time I said a word in my own defense.

So. Where to begin? I suppose I should do like everybody says, and start at the beginning. Okay, the first big thing is creating heaven and earth. That’s where all the misunderstandings started. Everybody says I did it in six days and on the seventh day I rested. Come on!

Besides, back then days didn’t even have numbers let alone names, but people are still arguing over what day of the week they’re supposed to put down their weapons and worship me. Even if I did rest on the seventh day, what is the logic of believing that means you have to holster your gun and spend the seventh day losing time on the battlefield?

So okay, I created man and called him Adam. He looked nice. Then I thought I should give him somebody for a companion, so I created Eve. Boy, was that some kind of blooper! But hey, nobody’s perfect.

First thing Eve did was trick him into that apple thing. Then she started nagging him to get a job. No more hanging out at the pub with his pals. No lying around in his man cave watching football. She griped if he dragged home a two ton stegosaurus for dinner. It was never enough. Poor Adam wasn’t romantic. When this all started he used to bring her necklaces made from pterodactyl neck bones and showy skunk fur collars to show off her best raptor hide outfit. She didn’t even want him to have girlfriends. Would you believe?

Okay, so we all make mistakes. I figured it would work out. Eventually, despite, and sometimes because of their differences, some of which I think are pretty darn good after all, men and women managed to get along. Well, most of the time.

Recently I heard Governor Ventura say that nearly all the wars throughout time have been caused by religion, and he’s got that pretty well nailed all right. Almost from day one — I suppose I should really say day eight — a good segment of the population came up with the idea that what I really enjoy is a good old-fashioned bloodbath. They started off with lambs and chickens and like that, but pretty soon most people decided I’d really be a lot happier to see humans getting knocked off, preferably people they didn’t like anyway and preferably in bulk. Some people think I really get off on a good bombing, the more victims the better. I like it even better when the perpetrator blows up with. For some inexplicable reason these mass murderers have the idea that I’m waiting to welcome them with open arms and a big “Hello!” If you think I want some lunatic bomber dining at my table, then I’m writing to the wrong person.

And throughout history, people keep coming up with phony stories, like how I slipped in during the night and talked to them and told them they were “special”. I whisper in their ear and send them forth to spread the word to the people. That makes for laugh-out-loud fun movies with George Burns and Morgan Freeman, but really…

Okay, if these “special” people can get a good living and lots of attractive young women out of their “revelations”, what the hey? And that includes no taxes, big cars and an entourage. I don’t know whether to be angry or to laugh. It does irritate me that people make this stuff up, but on the other hand, seeing how lame their followers are, I can’t help laughing at the same time. How can people be so gullible about that stuff? It won’t even fly in your own courts. I can see Perry Mason right now, lumbering to his feet, pounding on his affidavits and yelling “Hearsay evidence, your Honor! Hearsay evidence!”

Of course that’s hearsay evidence. Your scientists are daily discovering just how big the universe is and it’s still growing. Here I am, hopping all over like a bunny during Easter Week and people expect me to hang around and whisper in their ears. It should be obvious to even to the most fanatic that it would be much more cost-effective and efficient if I just sent out a letter such as this instead of occasionally whispering in the ear of some over-sexed wannabe showman who’s looking for an easy buck and a tax dodge.

Over the years I’ve watched them come and go. Most of them are their own worst enemies. They bring themselves down through their own efforts. Everybody knows power corrupts, yet people still stand around, and in fascination watch it corrupt. They even help by doling out money, as well as sometimes their wives and their virgin daughters just to show good faith.

I got to tell you, I just don’t know. When I started the world I thought it would be a good thing. Nice people running around pursuing their interests. I thought they’d all get along, and by leaving them alone, I figured they’d say, “Hey, we’re all alone on this little planet in this big universe, so if we hope to survive and prosper, it’s up to us to work together for the benefit of all.”

Didn’t work out that way. Go figure.

Well, FYI, you’re still on your own here. I can’t hang around babysitting you guys. I have a life too, you know. So go forth and tell it on the mountain. Oh, these days I guess you prefer stuff like “Alert the media!” Whatever.


An interested observer

Oh man! Now I’m going to be humming that damned Springtime for Hitler again for I don’t even know how long! If I was going to whisper something in your ear right now, I’d say, “Get yourself a rowboat, kid.”



World Fanaticism

I’m appalled that someone should be so thoughtless and callous as to produce a film that denigrates another religion.

Throughout history, I’m sure, more people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other cause.

Of course there are also many — not only fanatics but politicians, etc. — who cynically use religion to further their own personal agendas.

But aside from that deplorable segment of our population, every religion has its collection of zealous fanatics who simply refuse to think. And political parties as well. Fortunately most of these fringe people don’t go so far as to run around killing each other. But far too many do.

Most people accept everything in the Bible as Gospel.

They have to: It’s true.

Is it?

How do we know that?

In the old days, God popped up on a regular basis and told selected people what to do and how to do it. They obeyed. Their particular story was then handed down by word of mouth from one generation to another. By the time some scribe set these stories to papyrus, they were, for the most part, a hundred or more years old. None of the gospels was written by a person who knew Jesus personally. When Gabriel spoke to Mohammed, they were all alone. No witnesses because wisely, Gabriel didn’t hang around. All we have in any of these cases is hearsay evidence. No court worth a judge’s gavel would admit that sort of testimony.

But all that was a few thousand years ago.

Where is God now? Why doesn’t He speak to prophets today?

Ah, you say, He does. He speaks to prophets like the late Rev. Moon. He speaks to chosen people all the time, and their loyal followers not only believe, but fork over most if not all their time and money to prove it. Many are willing to die for their prophet: Waco, Guyana, the California group that died so the space ship could come and whisk it off to a better universe. Of course, the vast majority of us laugh these prophets off. Nut cases. Weirdoes.

But in a thousand years, many of their writings may well become Gospel. Sometimes it doesn’t take long at all. A science fiction writer turned his home-spun philosophy into a big-time and very profitable religion. Practically a new bible for believers to study.

Time has a way of sanctifying events, especially if they’re preserved in writing as being factual.

Whatever we may choose to believe, the takeaway here is that every thinking person should realize that religion is not a subject to be taken lightly.

As we see, people are ready and willing, even eager, to kill in the name of their religion.

Never mind that Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, every single prophet I know of, preached modesty and peace; kindness to our fellow man. Too many forget that. Their motto is: You blaspheme my religion, you’re toying with your life!

Recently a priest in Pakistan took a small girl to court because he alleged she blasphemed Mohammed. What does a small girl know about Mohammed? Does that make any sense? Is that ‘do unto others’? What are people like this thinking?

Fanaticism in America hasn’t (so far) got out of control, and let us pray that it does not. It’s sad to see the constant state of religious conflict that goes on in the Middle East. Their conflicts are mostly over different aspects of the same religion. It’s as if here at home, the Baptists, the Methodists, the Episcopalians and all the other Christian churches went to war against each other, determined to kill off everyone who adheres to any but their very own religious belief.

Maybe God has whispered to me a few times. Maybe. I’d like to be able to say, like that evangelist: “If God wanted me to drive a Chevy, He’d tell me to drive a Chevy, but God do’t want me to drive no Chevy. He wants me to drive a Cadillac!”

But He has never spoken to me about things like that. He’s never ordered me to go out into the world and spread His Word, so I can’t tell you exactly what He thinks about all this, but if He’s the kind of God I want to listen to, He must be shaking his head in despair.

At this very moment He may be thinking about ordering some modern-day Noah to start construction on a new Ark.

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